


Reception

by LylaRivers



Series: Botany [2]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-12
Updated: 2014-09-12
Packaged: 2018-02-17 01:30:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2291939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LylaRivers/pseuds/LylaRivers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Voices in your head mean you're going crazy, right?</p><p>Sequel to "Miscalculations"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reception

**Author's Note:**

> This follows the day after "Miscalculations". Enjoy!

Jim refuses to look back at the First Officer's station - not after last night. He's still not sure if it's a dream or not - Spock kissing him in botany. It certainly feels like a dream - his utter loss of control never should have happened, particularly around Spock. The only reminder that something might have occurred is the bruise on his back where Spock had squeezed him too tightly with his superior Vulcan strength.

His back twinges, and he shifts uncomfortably in his seat, the condolence letters he's writing on his PADD forgotten. If it weren't for the damned burns, the bruise would be nothing. It wasn't particularly painful - hopefully Bones would attribute it to the massive explosion. Maybe bruises didn't show up immediately if you got burned badly enough? He'd have to ask someone who was knowledgeable, but who would keep their mouth shut around Bones.

Unfortunately, the only person Jim can think of who would keep quiet if he asked is Spock. And Spock would never forgive himself if he thought he had injured his Captain in any way, shape, or form.

'Jim' he hears a voice say softly. It sounds vaguely like Spock, but when he turns around, Spock is bent over his instruments.

'I must be going crazy' Jim thinks to himself. 'Why else would I imagine Spock's voice?'

'You can hear me?' the imaginary voice asks. That's definitely bizarre. The voice sounds like Spock - well, what Jim imagines Spock would sound like if he talked with emotion.  And then Jim remembers something very important about Vulcans - they're telepathic.

Jim tries to keep his mind from wandering to the pain in his back. 'Spock?'

'How did this happen?' Spock asks. He doesn't sound angry - just puzzled.

'What? That I can hear your thoughts?' Jim asks. 'Well... sort of.'

'Yes. This is very strange, particularly since we are not bonded,' Spock replies. This isn't a good explanation - it just makes Jim more curious.

'Bonded?'

'Vulcans are telepathic. They create family bonds, and a bond with their... significant other. However, I have not initiated such a bond - with anyone. This is rather unusual...' The puzzlement is evident in Spock's thoughts as he trails off. Jim isn't complaining - inadvertent telepathy could still be useful.

Then Jim hears a strange word cross Spock's mind - t'hy'la? Did he understand that correctly? 'What does that mean?' Jim asks.

Abruptly, Jim feels the connection go black. 'It is not possible' are the last words Jim hears. Jim resigns himself to a long shift.

***

After the shift, Spock heads off the bridge. Jim follows him, trying to catch up.

"Spock! Spock, wait!" Jim says.

"Captain," Spock acknowledges cooly. He's slipped into formal mode, as if last night never happened. "Do you require something?"

"Did that actually happen? On the bridge?" Jim asks curiously. "Was I actually hearing you, or did I imagine the whole thing?"

"You did not imagine the conversation," Spock says. His voice sounds... odd. Well, Jim has just been in his head, so he doesn't pursue it.

They walk the rest of the way to the Officers' Mess in silence. However, Jim had one nagging question. He decides to wait until they're safely sitting down to ask.

"What's... t'hy'la? Is that how it's pronounced?" Jim asks.

Spock freezes, about to take a bite of his food. Jim swears if Spock was human, he would have choked.

"Spock?" Jim asks again. "Something wrong?"

"Where did you hear that term?" Spock demands.

"On the bridge... in your... head," Jim mutters. "Why? Does it mean something bad?"

"No..... quite the opposite," Spock says. Jim can see his Vulcan mask start to reassert itself.

"If you don't want me to talk about the thing on the bridge... or last night... just tell me and I'll never mention it again. But I really am curious... what does that mean?"

Spock stares at him, long and hard. "Perhaps we should talk somewhere more private?"

"Later then? We're due for a chess game after all. 1800, my quarters?" Jim asks.

Spock says nothing, and simply nods his head once, which Jim takes for an agreement. The rest of the meal, they eat in silence.

***

Jim is actually nervous as he sets out the chess board. At 1759, he really starts to sweat and watch the clock. If Spock isn't coming, he'll know in the next two minutes.

At exactly 1800, there's a knock on the door. "Come in!" Jim calls. The door slides open to reveal Spock, and Jim breathes a sigh of relief.

"Captain," Spocks says.

"Please don't get all formal on me," Jim says tiredly. "It's Jim off duty."

"Of course... Jim," Spock says.

"White or black?" Jim asks.

Spock considers him. "As I started last time, I believe I will play black."

"Alright then," Jim says, sitting down behind the white pieces.

"Now... about what you asked earlier," Spock says.

Jim is all ears. "Yes. What does it mean? Why didn't you want to discuss it earlier?" He frowns and moves one of his pawns on the board.

Spock looks distinctly uncomfortable. He moves another pawn to counter Jim's. "It is a word with many translations in Standard," he finally says.

Jim doesn't push it. He's fairly confident that now that he's got Spock talking, he'll talk in his own time. Jim brings out a knight.

"It is a word rarely used," Spock continues, moving another pawn. "The first level of the meaning is ‘friend’."

‘That doesn't sound too bad! Why couldn't that have been discussed over our meal?’ Jim thinks.

Spock gets quieter. "The second meaning is ‘brother’. And the third meaning... "

Jim has completely forgotten about chess as he leans in to hear the next meaning.

"’Lover’. Perhaps the closest Standard equivalent to t'hy'la is ‘soulmate’."

Jim is rendered completely speechless. He can't even find thoughts. When his brain finally catches up, he has yet another question. "How long? How long have you... used this word to describe me?" Silence. "You... don't have to answer...," Jim mutters.

"I am not sure," Spock says finally.

"I thought you were all about calculating and accuracy," Jim says disbelieving.

"I do not think I can accurately pinpoint when I began to think of you as such."

Their chess game is completely forgotten. Jom scoots his chair around to sit next to Spock. "Sorry," he mutters and the chair tips into Spock's.

Spock sets the chair back to rights. "Sorry for what?" he asks, clearly puzzled.

Jim shrugs. "Everything. That you have such strong feelings for me, but I'm too much of a screwup to notice. And also... for last night."

Spock shakes his head slowly. "These are not logical things to feel sorry for." Carefully, Spock takes a hold of Jim's hand. Jim closes his eyes and leans against Spock's shoulder. "Sorry" he whispers very softly - too softly for a human to hear, forgetting that Vulcans have much better hearing than humans.

Spock draws a breath to respond, but doesn't get a chance to speak when the comm chirps.

"Jim?" the voice comes through when Jim activates it. It's Bones, sounding worried.

"Here, Bones. What's up?" Jim answers.

"Just wanted to let you know... I've released everyone besides Ensigns Hendriks and Novak."

"What's wrong with Ensign Novak?" Jim asks tiredly. Damn, he hopes she doesn't die too. Anna Novak only just joined the Enterprise, fresh out of training - she's the same age as Chekov.

"Jim, Hendriks is dead, he died of his injuries," Bones says slowly.

"I know Bones. What's wrong with Ensign Novak?" Jim repeats tiredly.

"How did you find out? The only person on board the ship who knew that was that hobgoblin," Bones says suspiciously.

Jim freezes. He hadn't meant to get Spock in trouble with McCoy. "What's wrong with Ensign Novak?"

"Jim. Who told you about Hendriks?"

"That would have been me, Doctor," Spock says, cutting in.

"I thought I told you to keep quiet! ...Well, I can't say I'm surprised," Bones mutters. "The two of you just need to man up and confess to each other..." he trails off, muttering unintelligibly.

"Confess what, Doctor?" Spock asks, squeezing Jim's hand.

"Damn it Spock... you saw the state he was in last night! There was no way he needed to hear more bad news!" Bones says, changing the topic.

"Bones. What's wrong with Ensign Novak?" Jim says again, breaking in.

There's a pause. "She's going to be fine. She just needs a bit more time under observation and care. But she's on the road to recovery. It's like she had some sort of guardian angel - I've never seen someone recover so fast."

"Great. Can we talk later, Bones? We're a bit busy."

"We?" Bones asks suspiciously. Jim cuts off the transmission curtly.

***

"At least Ensign Novak's recovering," Jim says softly, staring at nothing. "I'm sorry Spock. I didn't mean to get you in trouble with Bones."

"Please stop saying you are sorry," Spock says, staring at him.

"I'm sorr...." Jim stops. "It's just all my fault," he mutters.

Spock stops him with a soft kiss - a human one. "Do not say that. It is highly illogical to attempt to blame yourself for everything.”

Jim sinks his head into his hands. "It isn't, but it is," he whispers. "Ensign Hendriks, and everyone else? That was definitely me."

"Jim. That is not. Your. Fault," Spock says patiently.

"If you say so," Jim mutters, unconvinced.

"I do say so," Spock says firmly.

"We should finish our game,” Jim says abruptly. "Whose move is it?"

"Do not attempt to change the subject."

"Why not? I don't have anything else to say," Jim says. Spock raises an eyebrow at him. Jim scoots his chair back around. "Your move," he mutters.

"Yes, it is," Spock says, standing up and walking to him.

"What?" Jim starts to ask as Spock takes hold of his hand again. The iron wall melts away and he can hear Spock's voice in his head.

'I thought you needed to meld to do this,' Jim asks.

'Apparently, not in this case.'

'Why does your voice sound different? Wait... that was stupid.’

Jim can tell Spock is a bit amused. 'My voice sounds as it would if I spoke with more emotion. I believe this is due to my mixed heritage. My human half is more emotional, so I have to work harder to control it. That control does not always extend to my mind.'

'That's so sad. How old were you?'

'I have been trained to do so since birth.'

'And I thought I had problems with people not liking me' Jim thinks self-deprecatingly. 'Well, we have something in common, Spock.'

'And what is that, Jim?'

'People around us growing up who disliked us because of something we couldn't control.' Suddenly, Jim realizes his error. 'No offense Spock. You seem to have done a good job controlling everything.'

Abruptly, Spock breaks the connection. "I have not done so well, Jim. A full Vulcan would not have lost control so many times as I have."

Jim shrugs. "At least you can control it. I was hated mostly because of my looks, early on. Mom couldn't bear to look at me - guess I looked too much like my dead dad. And my stepdad...." he shudders. "... guess he didn't need a reason to hate me besides his own drunkenness. The only person at home who really loved me was my brother, Sam. Then he left. Mom was always leaving too. And it's always my fault - even when I was born, it's my fault."

All the self loathing he's harbored since he first ran the car over the cliff after Sam left comes pouring out. The root of the problem is always him - there is no other common denominator.

"Everyone thinks I have such a reputation as a love 'em and leave 'em - but all I've ever learned is everyone leaves, so I have to one up them and leave first. More importantly, no one is worth your tears - particularly not me. I'm not worth anything you've shown me - not friendship, not comfort, and certainly not what you obviously have in mind. Sorry Spock. I really do care for you too, but you'd best run away as fast as you can. Hell, transfer to another ship if you can! I'm a mess and a screwup pretending to be the captain of a starship."

Jim's monologue is interrupted by a gentle finger on his lips. "Please stop this."

Jim shakes his head angrily to dislodge Spock's finger. "Stop what?" he asks bitterly.

"Stop saying such things about yourself, Jim," Spock says. His very human eyes look sad. "You are one of the best captains in the fleet. Besides, there is one other common denominator to all these instances, besides you."

"What? How did you know I was thinking that?"

Spock doesn't answer that question. "Everyone who left? They were all wrong, because you are most definitely worth it."

Jim can't come up with a good response to this, because suddenly Spock is kissing him again. "Do not ever say such things again," Spock whispers, "because they will never, ever be true."

 

 


End file.
